The Four Seasons

How I feel when I'm alone is something I pay a lot of attention to. Maybe it's because I'm an only child. Or maybe it's because being alone is something that I've had to work at. I avoided it as much as possible until a few years ago when I decided I needed to learn to appreciate and enjoy solitude. I realized that the saying "every man is an island" is true. I'm very lucky that I have many loving friends and family, but in the end, each of us has to be happy alone. Hopefully, I'll have loved ones by my side when I go through tough times in my life, but I can't rely on that. Unfortunately, sometimes the only person to rely upon is yourself.

At the turn of each season, I find that the way I feel when I'm alone changes. This is not surprising, but it's always remarkable to me how palpable the difference is. Last winter, I was alone for the first time in a couple of years dating-wise, and I have to say it was very hard. I was sad a lot, but I think that sadness was necessary for me to fully move on from my last relationship. Springtime is all about hope and appreciating the end of winter. When I was in Amsterdam riding my bike along the beautiful canals, I kept reminding myself to remember how amazing it felt with the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face.

My memories of being alone this summer are most closely tied to Namibia. The vastness and emptiness of the country created a strong sense of independence in me, and because I was on a tour with strangers, I often felt alone even when there were people around. Being alone in the summer is the most relaxing; all I want is to enjoy the good weather and read. I was very at peace this summer with myself, and I'm thankful for that opportunity because I came back to New York more refreshed than I had even anticipated.

Fall is my favorite season. I love the crisp air that has the most distinctive smell. And the colors. Beautiful reds, oranges, browns, and greens. I associate it with exciting beginnings probably because of all those new school years I started in the fall. Because of these things, I think fall is the most romantic season. I want to share the fading daylight and cooler evenings. And oddly enough, I've always had the most luck dating in the fall. But what makes it romantic also makes it a lonely season when you're alone. The impending doom of winter lurks around the corner. But that's what also makes fall so exciting. It's evanescent.

The Real World

I've been employed since Monday. I'm going to miss those afternoon naps, but it feels good to have a job right now.

Namibia

I'm in Namibia! Started my bar trip a couple of weeks ago in Cape Town and am currently on a overland tour to Vic Falls. I've got limited internet access but will try to write some updates soon...

Cute But Tasty

I'm starting to feel bad about eating meat with increasing frequency. Growing up, it was pretty easy to be in denial about it. I never associated the meat on my plate with the cute, furry animal. I didn't have any information on the inhumane ways animals are bred, and I didn't try to find out. I've always been pro-eating everything. But now, it's getting harder and harder to ignore the facts and continue to say I'm against animal cruelty w/o hypocrisy. Based on the accounts of how geese are raised for foie gras, I've stopped eating it. That wasn't very hard because foie gras wasn't really part of my diet anyway. However, I'm starting to hear word about pigs and other animals that I eat all the time. I read a Kristoff piece about it. How long will I be able to be in denial about this? And even IF meat producers start using humane ways to raise and kill animals, is that enough to save my meat-eating ways?

Tears of the Day

I've been known to be a crier when it comes to just about anything especially movies and moving speeches. Randy Pausch's Last Lecture brought tears to my eyes a couple of times today. He was a professor of computer science at Carnegie Mellon until he died two days ago from pancreatic cancer at the age of 47. If you haven't seen the lecture already, take a look when you have an hour to spare. It's hilarious and inspiring and provides a healthy dose of perspective for those freaking out about the bar (definitely including me).

Losing sleep

Studying for the bar is starting to get to me and all of my friends. I'm glad I'm isolated in DE right now. Looking for strategies for falling asleep when stressed...

Ben Stein on Love: Junk is Junk.

Love and economics by Ben Stein: click here. Two points I particularly liked:

1) In advocating a long-term investment strategy, he said, "To coin a phrase: Fall in love in haste, repent at leisure."

2) Just as high-quality bonds yield higher return than junk, "once you find that you are in a junk relationship, sell immediately. Junk situations can look appealing and seductive, but junk is junk."

Gentlemen, Please Note This List

The NYT had a great op-ed on Sunday on whom not to marry. The article lists traits to avoid, and the advice comes from a Catholic priest who has experience in marriage counseling and in giving lectures to high school girls on this topic. Why high school girls? The priest sagely explains, “It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late. Infatuation trumps judgment.” I completely agree; most of his advice is commonsensical but so easy to forget!

Cruising the Conc

After reading a NYT article today on how rising gas prices have curbed teenage cruising, I realized that my high school experience in suburban DE would have been completely different if gas had been more expensive. In addition to the daily 40 minute drives to high school, I spent much of my leisure time driving to visit friends, many of whom lived 30 minutes away in Chadds Ford or West Chester, PA. Our favorite weekend activity, however, during junior year of high school (1998-1999) was cruising the "Conc" or Concord Pike in Wilmington. This was your typical strip with a Dunkin Donuts, TCBY, Borders, fast food chains, etc. and one DE hotspot, the Charcoal Pit. We spent hours driving from one parking lot to the next to see who was there and who we could chat with. On more low key nights, we'd just drive to Acme, the local grocery store 5 minutes from my house, and just loiter in their parking lot. What a stimulating adolescent lifestyle I led.

In any case, my point is that at the height of my cruising days (probably Fall 1998), gas only cost about $.98 per gallon!!! By the time I graduated in May 2000, the price had risen to about $1.40. If you're curious to see the data yourself, click here. At $4.00+ per gallon in 2008, I would not have been able to afford cruising. Maybe that would have been better for me developmentally if I lived near a city which provided actual cultural opportunities. But what was a teenager in Delaware supposed to do! Philly is close (a little under an hour drive), but you still have to drive there, and it just seemed farther than it was. This is why I won't be rearing any children I have in DE.

True or False?

I definitely remember learning at Yale in some class about how when we recall a story or fact, we're just as likely to remember the story backwards or remember the opposite of the fact. I often think about this because I am notorious for spreading "facts" for which I cannot recall a source. The NYT just had an op-ed about this today: click here to see the story.

Staying in touch with exes

I have a poor track record of remaining friends with ex-boyfriends that I've dated seriously. After intertwining my life so closely with theirs, I just can't figure out how to make them a casual part of my life after the breakup. And I think this is the saddest part about breakups. I haven't seen many of my friends remain good friends with their exes, and I am very impressed by the ones who do. I usually attribute it to some high level of maturity that I'll never attain, but it's at least something to contemplate trying. If the ex has done something horrible to me, then I think it's fair to just leave them behind. As long as I don't foresee some serious psychological ramification for this, then why bother with the trouble of trying to rebuild trust and being friends after that sort of betrayal.

As for exes that result from mutual breakups, it's more complicated. I am easily overwhelmed by nostalgia, so being friends with my former best friend seems a lot to ask. On the other hand, turning your back on someone who was so strongly associated with years of your life seems extreme and unnecessary. This kind of denial of your past must be unhealthy. But is it necessarily better to push yourself to do something that is easier to avoid? In the past, I think I'd just avoid away, but now, I think I'm too old for that.

I think the idea of seeing your ex is worse than actually seeing him. Face-to-face, I find it to be no big deal. But am I fine enough to be real friends? If I was fully invested in the old relationship, I'm not sure that I'll ever be fully over it and its failure. Luckily, the passage of time is like gravity - you can always count on it. I'll probably always still feel nostalgia or a twinge of sadness that my hopes with this person were never fulfilled, but it passes more and more quickly. We're very good at replacing those old hopes with new hopes and new people. I suppose time is what helps the new friendship with the ex develop too. Or maybe we won't become good friends and part ways, but at least I'll have faced my past instead of trying to bury it.

Materialism - Is it material?

One of the main criticisms of the Sex and the City movie is that it is overly materialistic. When the movie opens, Carrie says that women move to New York for two reasons: love and labels. No one I've talked to actually "buys" into that statement. However, it does raise the important issue of unhealthy materialism in our society today and particularly in New York, where every other woman is a walking model with an enviable outfit.

I think it's pretty unreasonable to eschew all desire for nice things, but I also don't need my handbag to be screaming "DESIGNER" all over it (especially in a trite canvas pattern which we've all considered purchasing). Although the brand of an item surely has a strong subconscious (and conscious - who am I kidding) pull on my decisionmaking, the design and quality of the product is the most important factor to me. When those factors coincide with a low price, it's a thrill. Unfortunately, they are generally made by a fancy designer and are more expensive. (see here for a NY Times article on how much luxury goods prices have jumped in the last decade and which clothing item prices have dropped.)

This discussion of cost raises another question - does the price of the stuff you buy make you more or less materialistic? I'm assuming the answer is yes because buying inexpensive stuff is less wasteful of resources that can be dedicated to something more productive in society. Is it possible to not judge someone who spends $200 on a tshirt? But the psychological underpinnings that we look down upon are the same for all forms of materialism, so bargain hunters shouldn't be completely off the hook. I must note with pride that during my 3.5 months in Europe, I only purchased one item for myself - a pair of shoes. That was an anomaly. As someone who loves shopping (although limited mostly to good bargains during the past 3 years as a student), I can't decide how harshly to judge myself.

Double Happiness Death Van

My two week hiatus from blogging is over. I'm back in NYC, graduated from law school, and am now in Barbri classes. I just had a really great Memorial Day weekend at Bethany Beach with my friend JPK and her family. We beached, rode bikes, ate, read, napped, attempted to swim (too cold), watched BSG, outlet shopped, and played with her puppy. Lovely weekend! The trip back to NYC was decidedly NOT lovely.

Let this post be your warning about the Double Happiness Chinatown bus from Wilmington, Delaware to New York City. This bus runs from Baltimore to New York with a stop in Wilmington, and it costs $20 one way or $35 roundtrip. Greyhound is usually $38 one way, and Amtrak ranges on average from $65-over $100 one way. I have taken Double Happiness without incident about 33% of the total number of times I have tried. The bus generally works fine on weekdays, and I have never had trouble with the bus from New York to Wilmington.

AVOID the Wilmington to New York bus at all costs during popular travel times such as Friday evenings, Sunday evenings, and holidays. This company oversells the buses, so by the time the bus arrives in Wilmington from Baltimore, there are generally only a few seats left. The company gives priority to people who have bought their tickets online, but that's no longer an advantage because everyone buys their tix online, and there just aren't enough seats. They used to set up little folding chairs in the aisle for people to sit in, but I think they've stopped that for safety reasons. Another way that they've dealt with this is by shuttling passengers in 15 passenger vans to Philly, where you catch another Chinatown bus to New York. Not the most pleasant thing but not terrible. I've also ridden in a random Chinese woman's mini-van to Philly. She was a friend of the ticket collector (also owner?). The ticket collector also asked my dad if he would take additional people to Philly in our car for money. My dad said NO.

Yesterday, I made the stupid decision to try to take the bus even though it was Memorial Day. the bus had 3 open seats, so JPK and I rushed to the passenger van. Unlike the past, however, the ticket collector himself hopped in and said he was driving the 16 passengers (one sitting on a folding seat between the two front seats) directly to New York. The seat belts didn't work. The driver proceeded to drive like a madman. He was weaving in and out of traffic at 90 mph and tailgating every vehicle including tractor trailers. We passed the bus we were supposed to be on, and still the driver continued to speed and drive wildly. In Chinese, I told him to be more careful, and he replied, "don't worry." But we did worry especially when we almost collided with the tractor trailer he was tailgating. You know it's not good when you are HOPING the police pull you over.

I told the driver that we had to pull over at a rest stop for a bathroom break, and JPK promptly called a cab to pick us up and take us to the closest NJ Transit station (New Brunswick). I told the driver we weren't getting back into the van because he was driving like a crazy person, and he told me he's had 15 years experience and that I should just get in because we were 30 minutes away (absolutely false). We left the death van for good and made a pact NEVER to take the Double Happiness bus ever again.

For those seeking options from Wilmington, Delaware to New York.

• Take Greyhound (though this can be crazy crowded going the opposite direction from Port Authority to Wilmington).
  
• Fork over a chunk of change for the 2.5 hr train ride on Amtrak. Early morning and late night trains are discounted.
• Take SEPTA from Wilmington to Philly then Philly to Trenton. Take NJ Transit from Trenton to NYC.

Last Night in Amsterdam

Tonight is my last night in Amsterdam. I'm sitting in my room that has become so familiar in just a few months trying to finish packing. I am looking forward to returning to my friends and family, but it's hard to let go of this pretty little city. Although it's cliche, I have learned a lot here. In Amsterdam, I learned how to live a comfortable, slower lifestyle. Having two huge windows (and a window seat) and living on a gorgeous canal has made me look forward to waking up to the sun and the joy of people watching as fresh air blows into my room. My daily bike rides make me want to shout out "la la la," and I often do. I shop for fresh vegetables every 2 days and don't have a tv. I haven't bought clothes in months (I admit to buying one pair of shoes), and I have no idea what is going on pop culture-wise. I am more aware of when I am talking very loudly because I get self-conscious about being too American. My beautiful European friends seem very comfortable in their own skin and are so open to meeting and befriending others without judgment. I look up to them.

I hope that when I return to New York and am faced with long lines and the city's materialistic pleasures, I won't lose the peace I've attained. If Prinsengracht was in New York, I'd be in heaven.

Transient Friends

During my recent travels, I have realized how bittersweet it can be to meet people abroad because you are unlikely to see them ever again. I've always been the type to get overly attached to people, places, and things, so saying goodbye to people who I've connected with is difficult. In Monteverde (Costa Rica), Berlin, and Prague, I felt like I had created a temporary bond with the people working at the front desk of my hotels and hostels just because I saw and chatted with them everyday. In Norway, I felt like I was sharing part of the lives of my friend and her friends even if just for a couple of days because I was living with them and experienced their daily lives. In Prague, Jen and I met this nice redhead guy in the train who helped us with buying our train tickets to the castles outside the city. We ran into him again at the train station on the way home, and his happiness at the sight of us was apparent when he joyfully called to us, "Ladies!" Our encounter left an impression on me because for the short time we interacted, there was sincere appreciation of each other's company and kindness. It is these brief encounters that shape your experience in a country and can make your visit much more meaningful and enjoyable. But the transient nature of these relationships and the finality of the "goodbye" will always create a twinge of sadness in me.

Feeling Poor in Norway

If you think New York is expensive, go to Western Europe. If you think the Euro is way too strong, go to London. If you think the pound is outrageous, go to Norway. The Norwegian Kroner is king. Some items listed below are outrageous but then again, others were oddly cheap (though these were the super saver economy book in advance tickets).

• Bacon cheeseburger at a TGI Fridays-type restaurant - 147 NOK = $29.15
• Big Mac (according to the Economist's Big Mac Index July 2007) - 40 NOK = $7.93 - most expensive in the world!
• .5L of beer (about 1 pint) - around 50 NOK = $9.91
  
• Unlimited one-day public transport pass in Oslo - 60 NOK = $11.89
• 20 minute train ride from airport to Oslo city center - 160 NOK = $31.73
• Flight from Bergen to Trondheim (1 hr flight) - 205.20 NOK = $40.70
• Train ride from Trondheim to Oslo (6 hrs) - 199 NOK = $39.46
  

Cost aside, Norway is a very beautiful country (with lots of beautiful people!). And I loved catching up with Ida and meeting her friends and family.

Supermarket Finds

Norwegian brown cheese (Fløtemysost) - picked up some when I visited Ida in Norway. Delicious on bread with jam.

Red radishes - never bought these before in my life but figured i'd try them since they were on sale for .59 euros. I added them to my Chinese cucumber salad. Crunchy and delicious!

Wholegrain mustard - high quality at only .80 euros for 335 grams (roughly 11.8 ounces)! What a classy deal.

Albert Heijn (Dutch supermarket brand) cous cous mix - not bad! I made it according to my friend's recommendation with ground beef and scallion. Then added cucumber, red and yellow peppers, and tomatoes at the end so they were still mostly crunchy. It's also great with feta. Very fresh and yummy!

Bobotie - South African dish that my friend cooked for me. Can't wait to try it when I'm IN South Africa!

Jetsetting

Haven't had time to write because dj, ezb, dr.cf were in town, and then we went to Berlin. I loved Berlin - cool vibe, full of history, and affordable. Tonight, I'm off to the land of exorbitant prices - Norway! Going to visit Ida, my high school's exchange student who I haven't seen since we graduated. More when I get back...

Willpower and Tinnitus?

An article on willpower in the Times today is so true for me. I only have willpower for about one activity per day. Need to start on that willpower training by getting offline...

I think I may have developed tinnitus. Wikipedia says it's "the perception of sound in the in the absence of corresponding external sound(s)." It's kept me up for a couple of nights in the past two weeks. One night, I had to listen to my ipod while in bed to drown out the tinnitus so that I could sleep. Odd thing is that I don't hear it when I'm sitting up right. Hopefully, mine's just stress-induced and will go away...Otherwise, I may have to look into some of the new therapies discussed today in the Times.

Pizza Bracelet?

Last night at 9:20pm, I felt like ordering pizza. Since I'm in Europe, I figured delivery was out of the question, but I at least wanted to call ahead and order so that it'd be ready when I picked it up. Having heard good things about this pizza place near me called Da Portare Via, I decided to google their phone number. I found the number and quickly called since I noticed that they closed at 10pm. This convo ensued...

Guy (unidentified foreign language): blah blah blah blah
Me: Hello? Hi, I'd like to order a pizza.
Guy: A pizza?
Me: Yes, a pizza. Is it too late to place an order?
Guy: No, it's not too late. But, I don't make pizza. This is a jewelry store.
Me: Oh, sorry. Wrong number.
Guy: I have bracelets?

So, I tried to re-google the number, but apparently they don't have a phone at the pizza place! No delivery is one thing but no phone??! I ended up walking the two blocks to the place, and they made me a pretty tasty margarita pizza in about 5 minutes.

Precipitation Mayhem

The weather in Amsterdam of late has been rather nuts. Here's today's weather until now:

10:45am I wake up to plentiful sunshine.
11:15am Heavy snow (none of it ever sticks though) and wind.
11:45am Bright sunshine. I figure I better run to the grocery store before it starts snowing again.
12:50pm Hail. This stuff hurts. Good thing I already bought food.
1:25pm Partly Cloudy with sun peeking through. Unclear what will happen next.

Expectations of Privacy

I had a discussion today with my best friend D about privacy. She was surprised to learn that I allow my photos that I've posted on Facebook to be seen by all of my networks and friends. Although I don't think there's any privacy issue here, she said that I should change it to a stricter setting to take into account the privacy of people who are in my photos. I disagree. People are responsible for policing their own privacy. I do and think it is appropriate to consider the privacy of my friends to a certain extent; I filter based on reason. For example, I am unlikely to blab on my public blog using first and last names of friends who have done something mortifying and also unlikely to post photos of friends who are doing incriminating things or look terrible. Beyond this reasonable filter, however, it's not my job to protect the privacy of my friends. People should assume that anything posted online is essentially publicly available. Anyone can right click on any photo and choose "copy image location" and then send it to a friend who doesn't have access to that photo. Thus, it's up to individuals to either untag themselves or to ask the person who posted the photo to take it down. As your friend, I will happily comply with any such requests. However, it's NOT my job (beyond the reasonableness test I outlined) to censor myself and try to predict how you will react to my online activities.

For the record, I did change my settings to allow only friends of friends to see my photos because it doesn't really matter to me so why not make some people happy. However, I don't think that I should have had to do so on principle.

Mirror, Mirror

Are we currently in the golden age of vanity? Looking through people's photos of themselves on Facebook, I was thinking about how the internet is such a huge outlet for shallow self-indulgence. From blog posts (like this one) to youtube videos to the decision whether to tag or untag ourselves in pictures, where do you draw the line between a healthy level of self-appreciation/self-exploration and vanity? I saw a girl who had posted an album of 37 photos of just herself on Facebook, and my first thought was "wow, she's vain." I may be overly judgmental in this respect because I think I'm a little too into myself. But is what she did all that different than spending time to choose a nice profile picture, posting say 5 photos of yourself, or allowing a friend to post a ton of photos of you? If you consider that people our age are at or near the apex of their attractiveness in life (although for many, the apex was high school), maybe it's ok to really be into ourselves now before we get old and wrinkly.

If it's ok to be vain now, was it ok in the pre-internet days? What sort of things could you even do to display your pride? Hang up pictures of yourself in your house? Send letters about your life to your friends? None of these seem all that self-indulgent. But there is evidence that the current vanity we are experiencing is nothing new. Museum trips show us how the rich have put themselves on display throughout time by commissioning portraits of themselves. Maybe we should be thankful for the enduring vanity of human beings for it has left us with masterpieces by artists like Rembrandt that teach us how people lived in different ages. Or maybe vanity has been detrimental because it's left us with too many paintings of unattractive, dead people.

Growing Up

My parents just visited me in Amsterdam this past weekend. As an only child, I am very close to them and get particularly attached right after spending a lot of time with them. When I am with them, I feel very comfortable reverting to the child's role (although they feel more like best friends to me now than parents), and I miss the times when we lived together in one household. Once they leave, it always takes me a few days to re-adjust to life on my own and to appreciate my independence again. Going through this process is always a bit strenuous emotionally especially when I am confronted by my greatest fear that they won't be around some day. I have a proclivity to get overly-attached to people, places, and things in general and suffer from the overwhelming nostalgia for the past. I want to work on this because I don't think it's very healthy, but I'm not sure how.

The Cost of Keeping Options Open

An interesting game devised by M.I.T. (click to play before reading on) shows the costs of keeping our options open irrationally. Considering how indecisive I am in most contexts, I imagine I suffer a huge loss for this characteristic. The most obvious loss is wasted time and energy thinking and analyzing the options. Whenever I am being decisive, I know I should make a decision and move on with my life, but I am just so worried about making the wrong decision no matter how inconsequential the decision is. Every major and too many minor decision that has come up in my life has led to a painstaking, annoying (for me and for my poor friends/family who have to listen to me), drawn-out decision between two equals - Harvard or Yale, Cleary or Simpson, etc. Luckily, I don't think I'm too indecisive in love matters. And also, once I do FINALLY make the decision, I rarely look back and am happy with the decision.

I'm going to Berlin in April with a few friends, and I currently have THREE hostel reservations open because I can't commit to any of them. Although there is no penalty for having them open (all allow you to cancel up to one day prior to arriving with no fee), I do think about this decision every couple of days and waste time by reading more reviews or going to their websites. So, in an effort to be more rational, I am going to cancel one of these reservations NOW (no promises when I'll narrow down just to one... let's not get crazy). Closing a door is so hard! I'm literally feeling pain.

(click here and here for the two Times articles on this topic)

Birthday Blues

Every year, like many others, I get a little depressed around my birthday even though I know how good I have it. This year has been no different - been feeling a bit down the past week and a half. But, I just had a great time last night dancing till 4am at Melkweg, so I'm hopeful that the blues are gone and won't be around on my actual birthday tomorrow.

My birthday blues are in general irrational, so here's my attempt to reason my way out of them. I shouldn't feel old because I'm still safely in "young" territory (especially if you consider how young I look). I'll save the 30 freakout for when I'm 28 and 29. Crappy Feb. weather usually gets me down, but it's warmer in Amsterdam, and the days are longer. Proximity to Valentine's Day? True...as a single lady, Vday + my birthday in succession are a challenge. Add the fact that my ex is on vacation now with a new girl doesn't help. But being single feels good and is what I need right now. This is my first birthday since I turned 19 that I haven't been involved with someone. Oh, and my best guy friend has both asked me out for an e-drink tomorrow and is celebrating soft tacos today in my honor. What more could a girl need! Then, there's my need for attention even though I hate making a big deal out of my birthday - after all, it happens every year (though I should seriously be thankful because it means I'm still here). Well, tomorrow night, two girlfriends are making me dinner and then I'm having drinks with people. More than enough attention. Plus I have a friend visiting me next weekend and my parents the following!

I'm pretty convinced that I have every reason to feel nothing but happy and lucky right now (except that I have a paper to finish). And I'm in Amsterdam!

Dutch Apple Pie

Apple pie is huge in the Netherlands. It is quite distinct from American apple pie. The filling is not as liquidy or gooey. The fruit is less cooked, and the Dutch preserve the natural tartness more than pie makers in the states. Raisins are also a popular ingredient - I'm not really a fan of that, but it's ok. I do prefer the Dutch crust - the one pictured above from Winkel (supposedly the best in town) in the Noordmarkt was crispy and delicious. I have seen whipped cream and ice cream served with the apple pie although only whipped cream was available at Winkel. I would go with ice cream especially since Dutch apple pie is less sweet.

I support the Democratic Party

These days, it seems like it's not ok to support BOTH Hillary and Obama. But if you're a Democrat, you should because remember, the point is to beat the Republicans in the general election. Both candidates would be great in the White House, and their policies are pretty much the same. I have made a choice between them. I want Hillary to win the nomination. That said, I like Obama too, admit that he may be more electable (since he doesn't face the unfair and unfortunate hatred that Hillary does, and yes, life isn't fair), and would support him as well. I'm wondering if it will it be possible for the Democratic Party to rally around the nominee regardless of who it is.

I understand that this is a competition between the two of them, but I agree with Paul Krugman that this whole process has become overly bitter and hateful. Krugman has identified a source of all of the animosity: Hillary has been subjected to "Clinton rules." (see column). As he explains in the column,

What’s particularly saddening is the way many Obama supporters seem happy with the application of “Clinton rules” — the term a number of observers use for the way pundits and some news organizations treat any action or statement by the Clintons, no matter how innocuous, as proof of evil intent.

Don't get me wrong. In general, I like low blows - they are funny, satisfying, and easy. They are a significant part of my friends' and my humor (one friend likes to keep a list of the best ones). So, I understand the temptation, and I admit to having engaged in them myself (despite liking both candidates!). But, I think it's best if we stop doing it within our own party.

I also found it interesting that Krugman thinks Obama's campaign is close to becoming a "cult of personality." I was just thinking the same thing last week - going a step further, it seems like supporting Obama is a religious endeavor. Perhaps this is another reason why it's Obama or nothing for some people.

My point is I like both candidates and would support both of them. And for the sake of our party, I hope that others will do the same when inevitably, Hillary or Obama loses the nomination.

Update 2/19 - A couple of Times articles of late have been discussing further the cult of personality and "civil religion" of Obama's campaign and diagnosing people with "Obama Comedown Syndrome," withdrawal from the drug hope offered by The Chosen One. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it's all slightly bizarre (of course, that's because I find religion bizarre).

Chang

Dutch banks shouldn't discriminate against people with the last name Chang.

I went in to ABN-Amro to open a bank account today. After filling out the papers, I was told I'd have to wait 3-4 days before I would hear whether I was approved. Reason: there was a criminal with my same last name. In response, I told the banker, there are 30 million Changs! It's not like I have the same first AND last name as this criminal. Shouldn't the criteria for a security check include something more than just a last name? Perhaps a nationality, gender, age, first name, etc.

Amsterdam - View from my window

I arrived in Amsterdam on the 31st, and it's been a whirlwind since then. I've been participating in an orientation program run by ISN (international student network), which is an org that helps foreign students get along in Amsterdam. They've kept us really busy with a walking tour of the city, workgroups, and lots of parties. It's been fun but rough on my jetlagged and very sick body. But it's been worth it! The view from my room is gorgeous. I'm amazingly lucky to have been placed in a dorm on Prinsengracht, which is probably the best neighborhood in Amsterdam.

New Tricks

My dog Tommy will be 11 years old in April. And the old dog has learned a new trick! Everyone who has met him knows how cute he is, but he's always had some behavioral problems especially when it comes to begging for food. He would cry, whine, jump on you, and do other very annoying and loud things whenever my family was eating. Well, I am proud to say that in the past couple of weeks, we have taught him to stop these antics. We direct him to the couch and tell him to stay there. He will be quiet and sit there throughout the entire meal. Then, after, we give him a doggie treat to reward him for being so good. It's amazing how quickly he learned and how easy it was to teach him. We should have trained him in this way 10 years ago!

I Love Freedom of Speech, Human Rights, and Democracy.

Microsoft would censor the title of this post as "prohibited language" if I lived in China and posted it using their blog-hosting software.

This censorship is what the paper I'm working on is about.

2008 Resolutions

It's self-evaluation time.

I came across an interesting article tonight about regret in the Times. I think I am able to ghostbust regrets about major events in my life with a good amount of complexity, which the article describes as "an ability to incorporate various points of view into a recollection, to vividly describe the circumstances, context and other dimensions." Complexity in self-evaluation is how we mature and constructively deal with regret, and the more complexity one has the greater one's psychological well-being. Or maybe I'm just really good at rationalization and denial. Not going to question this one too much - have other and bigger problems to think about. Self-evaluation - pretty good.

But I am frequently haunted by regret for small, inconsequential things that I do or say on a daily basis. It probably results from a combo of being too hard on myself and not knowing how to deal with this kind of regret. Every time I get a flashback of something embarrassing, I just try to shake it off (sometimes involving literal shaking) instead of effectively dealing with the regret by learning the lesson and moving on. Self-evaluation and resolution - improve ghostbusting of little regrets.

Other resolutions that I've thought of include
- Be on time! I always get myself in a tizzy when I'm late --> thus, I'm always in a tizzy. This is one easy way to reduce stress.
- Listen more, talk and argue less. I think everyone knows I'm going to be a lawyer and am argumentative. Why not go against my stereotype more often?
- Be more decisive. Perennial resolution of mine.
- Be less quick to judge. Why do I think my opinion matters so much? It doesn't.

My Flickr Page

My amateur photography is now on view at http://www.flickr.com/photos/seechang/