I have a poor track record of remaining friends with ex-boyfriends that I've dated seriously. After intertwining my life so closely with theirs, I just can't figure out how to make them a casual part of my life after the breakup. And I think this is the saddest part about breakups. I haven't seen many of my friends remain good friends with their exes, and I am very impressed by the ones who do. I usually attribute it to some high level of maturity that I'll never attain, but it's at least something to contemplate trying. If the ex has done something horrible to me, then I think it's fair to just leave them behind. As long as I don't foresee some serious psychological ramification for this, then why bother with the trouble of trying to rebuild trust and being friends after that sort of betrayal.
As for exes that result from mutual breakups, it's more complicated. I am easily overwhelmed by nostalgia, so being friends with my former best friend seems a lot to ask. On the other hand, turning your back on someone who was so strongly associated with years of your life seems extreme and unnecessary. This kind of denial of your past must be unhealthy. But is it necessarily better to push yourself to do something that is easier to avoid? In the past, I think I'd just avoid away, but now, I think I'm too old for that.
I think the idea of seeing your ex is worse than actually seeing him. Face-to-face, I find it to be no big deal. But am I fine enough to be real friends? If I was fully invested in the old relationship, I'm not sure that I'll ever be fully over it and its failure. Luckily, the passage of time is like gravity - you can always count on it. I'll probably always still feel nostalgia or a twinge of sadness that my hopes with this person were never fulfilled, but it passes more and more quickly. We're very good at replacing those old hopes with new hopes and new people. I suppose time is what helps the new friendship with the ex develop too. Or maybe we won't become good friends and part ways, but at least I'll have faced my past instead of trying to bury it.
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2 comments:
I think it really depends on the relationship and the kind of breakup, as well as your circumstances afterwards. I've been lucky to have a couple of serious exes and some casual exes become friends of varying degrees, and I highly recommend it, as long as it doesn't require much forcing (because forced friendship isn't really worthwhile, anyways).
You were definitely one of the people I was thinking of who has succeeded in this area many times.
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